Reckless Abandon

I Caught Myself

noreply@blogger.com (Mεlissα ღ) — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 06:35:00 +0000

I always liked this song anyway, but as of recently, it’s definitely something that fits into my life. This is currently exactly how I feel about that arrogant, lying, two-face fucker Erik. I know I've said a million and one times that I'm done, but a conversation we had a few weeks ago made me want to give things a second looks, but... well, he always proves that my initial reactions are usually right. I especially love when he drags other people into his bullshit. So, sir, if you even let yourself think for one motherfucking second that you will be given even half an ounce of another chance, you should go find someone to nail you with an aluminum baseball bat in the dick. Thank you very much.

Down to you
You're pushing and pulling me
down to you
But I don't know what I...

Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought of you

Of you...
You're pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don't know what I want
No I don't know what I want

You got it, you got it
Some kind of magic
Hypnotic, hypnotic
You're leaving me breathless
I hate this, I hate this
You're not the one I believe in
With God as my witness…

Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought of you

Of you...
You're pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don't know what I want
No I don't know what I want

Don't know what I want
But I know it's not you
Keep pushing and pulling me down
When I know in my heart it's not you

Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought of you
I knew, I know in my heart it's not you
I knew, but now I know what I want
I want
I want
Oh no, I should have never thought!

I Caught Myself - Paramore

2009 Wrap-Up

noreply@blogger.com (Mεlissα ღ) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 05:06:00 +0000

I realize I'm a few days later than planned with this, but, get over it.

1) Where did you begin 2009?
At Macaroon's with Suckerpunch

2) What was your status by Valentine's Day?
Single

3) Were you in school (anytime this year)?
Hell to the nah-nah

4) How did you earn your money?
On my knees while Harris Hill Nursing Facility took me from behind up the pooper

5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
No. Yes? No, the sprained toe was 2008 I think.

6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
Nope, surprisingly. Now, there's one 'encounter' with a cop I'd like to have, but alas, that's for another life

7) Where did you go on holiday?
Phoenix )

8) What did you purchase that was over $500?
Um.... nada

9) Did you know anybody who got married?
Dani

10) Did you know anybody who passed away?
A whole bunch of residents, my great-uncle Tommy, and... well, a part of Dani.

11) Have you run into anybody you left high school with?
Um... no? I dunno.

12) Did you move anywhere?
Nope

13) What sporting events did you go to?
Sabres game, Bills game

14) What concerts/shows did you go to?
Kings of Leon for the win

15) Are you registered to vote?
Yes

16) Who did you want to win Tila Tequila?
Someone who will subsequently murder her

17) Where do you live now?.
In mah house

18) Describe your birthday.
Friday - had a fantabulous evening with Val, Joe, Sara, and Poz, went to see Jeremy Hoyle Band. Heckled Jeremy and got heckled back. Told Frank that he should sleep with me. Did cartwheels in the parking lot. Saturday - got stood up by EV-E-RY-ONE. Sunday - Bills game with my dad. Tailgating with my brother, cousin, and friends. Poz was injured. Bills won. Scratch that, Bills annihilated the Bucs. Monday - actual birthday. Worked (it's all about that double time, cuz once you've been employed x year, your birthday and your date of hire becomes a holiday. I have no idea how many years that is, because I have far surpassed allllll the x amt of years requirements for everything). Came home to cake and ice cream. And damnit, if I don't get funfetti cake with vanilla frosting dyed purple before I'm 30, I'm boycotting the cake. That is all.

19) What's the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2009?
Admitted to Erik that he made me cry.

20) What has been your favorite moment?
Way too many to name them all. The night of the Vampire Ball; getting to see my new niece during the first month of her life (as opposed to not until she was 3 like my oldest one); hell, go all the way back to Jan 3, meeting Ashton; what else? almost every night hanging out with Joe; Halloween with Teeny was a good night; two nights of New Moon with Teeny; Kings of Leon in Toronto; anytime Sara came up; probably one or two moments at work.

21.) What's something you learned about yourself?
Uh...that leaving my job will be beneficial to my physical and mental health, and that nepotism will apparently always - always - win in the end.

22.) Any new additions to your family?
my niece Myla

23.) What was your best month?
August. Also my brokest month, but the one I had the most fun in.

24.) What music will you remember 2009 by?
Kings of Leon, Halestorm

25) Who has been your best drinking buddy?
Joe?

26) Made new friends?
Teeny? Cuz I think we just met at the beginning of this year?

27) Best new friend?
Clearly I'm going with Teeny on this

28) Favorite Night out?
Any night out. I've been blessed with having the kind of personality and great friends that don't allow any night to suck.

29) Any regrets?
Not slicing Erik's balls off when I had the chance. But other than that, nope

30) How many girlfriends/boyfriends have you had?
Other than my own?

31) Any memorable kisses?
There are definitely a few that are memorable, but more for the sheer 'wtf'-ness of them. Making out with Liz, for instance, goes on that list, mostly because I have no idea if it happened before or after the 2009-2010 switch. Also Shawn, because I don't even know how that happened.

33) Which season was the best?
Salt. Never lets me down.

34) How many nights out of 365 days did you not remember?
252 of them.

35) If you could would you redo the whole year?
Haven't you seen the Butterfly Effect? I'm not chancing that shit.

**In the Year 2010**

1. What do you hope to accomplish?
Getting the balls out of HH

2. How old will you be turning?.
Don't remind me.

3. What are you looking forward to most this year?
Right now, a new season of Lost. Can I get at least ONE answer to my 252152872654 questons? Just one. Please.

4. Any last thoughts on 2009?
Um... Word.

༺ ❀ ༻

noreply@blogger.com (Mεlissα ღ) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 03:08:00 +0000

Eff.
Em.
Ell.

Well, not really, it's just been the weekend from the very pits of Hades. For starters, I had to work at 6am on Saturday. Yeah, you heard me. To make matters worse, I had been sleeping pretty much 85% of the day on Friday, so when it came time to go to bed, I couldn't, so I planned on just pulling an all-nighter. Easy plan, I was wide awake and had about 6 episodes left of Criminal Minds.

I made it to approximately 4:45am. The alarm went off 15 minutes later. Nothing like an unplanned catnap to make you even more exhausted than you need to be.

Sooooo... after work I kept attempting to make plans with Kris. And by attempt, I mean I picked up the phone and made it as far as 'create new message' and/or 'reply', and passed out. Or just blanked on words and put the phone back down. I seriously just lay on my bed staring at the ceiling. Or the phone, trying to remember how it worked. I was a zombie. A radioactive knife-throwing granny zombie, even.

So, yeah. I have not spoken to him all day today, and I got the feeling that he was getting impatient with me yesterday. Oops. Sorry Kris.

Anyshit, a New Year's re-cap, of what I can remember:
Went to work. Yay. Pretty much wanted to yoke Doogie Howser with his own nametag. He was really getting under my skin that day. But I got over it with the knowledge that there was an array of champagne, chardonnay, and vodka available for my consumption when I got home/when Liz came over. And consume I did

I was already pretty tipsy within ten minutes of one glass of wine. Probably due to chugging instead of sipping. Sipping commenced and continued by myself and Liz at Joe's place while he showered and got dressed and I did my make-up. Then it was off to for our new New Year's tradition of Suckerpunch at Macaroon's (which reminds me, we never made it anywhere near the stage to say hey to Dan. So, hey Dan!).

Began drinking immediately. The blur starts about here. I have no idea what we did there for 5 hours, I just know we were there. I do know that I am the most awesome female ever, because when I use a public restroom, especially when there are other women in line, I do not linger in the stall balancing my checkbook, or whatever the hell these bitches do in there that takes so long. Case in point: There were 90 seconds till midnight when I went to the bathroom, and I still made it back out and had both drinks back in my hand and the countdown was still at 40. Besides that, making out with Liz and publicly discussing my issues with Erik are the only things I remember at the bar. Oh, and I ran into Molly, which was just awesome, considering we met last year at Mac's. It was like coming full circle. Seriously, she's so amazing, and so gorgeous, I have no idea how we put up with the individual that we put up with. Was it really just the singing? I know Frank can bring me to my knees (and who know what I'll do while I'm down there) with his guitar playing, but was M really that good of a singer to mesmerize the common sense out of me? Or was it the alter-ego thing? Friggin rock star on stage, cuddly bear off? I dunno. Weird. Haha, one last thing I remember about the night was the guy next to us that I kept bumping into because balance eluded me, he was cool about it, but his friend was being such a douchenozzle and trying way too hard to get Liz, which was annoying, particularly considering she was making out with Joe all night (That reminds me, exactly how long after I went in the house did Liz come in? And what exactly, occurred during that timespan, or do I even want to know?).

I texted everyone at midnight, and found out some people didn't get it till almost noon, which I blame only on the fact that at least 83% of cell-phone users were also sending mass-texts to people, so the airwaves were probably paralyzed. Oh! Funniest reply came from Frank, who asked if I was drunk. I confirmed, then asked if he was coming to take advantage of me. Haha! Later on, this girl needed food, ASAP, so we went to Hillview. I would have preferred the less-greasy Forestview, but alas, Joe was the DD, and since Forestview is by his place, Hillview made more sense, as it's by my place. There was an incredibly rude patron sitting across from us, who kept commenting too loudly to his table-mate how new year's is an amateur's drinking day, and that's why he stays home (Um, hello, then why are you out, and two of the people at your table came from the same bar as us) and since we were the only drunk people in the area, it was clearly aimed at us. I was too drunk/tired/concerned about eating to reply, but seriously, does it ever occur to people that even professional drinkers might like to let go a little further on New Year's? I'm pretty sure that my birthday, New Year's, and maybe if I'm lucky, Mardi Gras are the only times I get truly blitzed. And even that doesn't happen every year.

Really wasn't sure I was gonna make it through breakfast. At one point my stomach was a little overwhelmed... and the bathroom absolutely reeked of some stank sewage or something, so that didn't help. So I just sat still at the table for a little while, feeling passed. Then we got home and I left Liz and Joe to their business while I went to bed. I think Dani called a few times, dunno if I talked to her or not, I just remember Liz coming in and I still had the phone in my hand. I woke up around 11 but Liz was still sleeping, so I went back to bed. Woke up like every hour for the next 3 or so, then we were both up, so, yeah. Poor Liz was hungover as hell, I was happy as a clam. Hehe. Sorry Liz. Well, I was starving, but other than that, happy.

Then, I pretty much just hung around in bed all day with my episodes of Criminal Minds. And if you saw in my status, I finally had a CM dream, which I was wondering when it was coming, seeing as how for the past week and a half to 2 weeks, I average 5 episodes a night (Like the SVU dreams I used to have). As far as the dream went, I'm not entirely sure of my involvement with the team, but I do know that I was tight with Prentiss, cuz I kept speed-dialing her. How I knew about this, I know not, but they were looking for an unsub who was a cop with an angel of death/hero complex (see also: the guy who shot Garcia). He was tricky, he changed his signature every time, sometimes he'd shoot, sometimes he'd stab, but either way, someone got hurt, sometimes the died, and he'd look like the first responder. So one day I get this phone call, and it's this guy I just gave my number to, and he's talking about how he's on his way to a crime scene, and for some reason, I knew it was their unsub, so I called Prentiss like 378546573 times and tried to play along with the guy, feeding his ego, all about how he was so brave to do his job and I hope he could save someone's life. Then there's a quick scenery change, and I'm standing somewhere along the trail to the Eternal Flame, but it also looks like the 'road' out to this cabin I used to go to out in Marila (I use road loosely because I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be a foot trail, but no one's walkin that far if they're carrying stuff to the cabin). But if I turned around, I was inside what looked like the Boston Aquarium (maybe a subconscious need to go back to Boston?). Someone/something kept trying to throw me into the whale pool (which they don't even have in Boston, not that I recall seeing) but I got all squirrelly and kept escaping from their hold before they could toss me in. Then Prentiss, Morgan, Reid, and I think Rossi were there, and before we could run away, this dude, looking like a mad scientist, kicks down a side door in the lobby, wields what was either an Uzi or the chain gun from Zombie Apocalypse, and demands I go with him. Somehow Morgan manages to come with me, and then we're sitting on this bench, if you will, that is moving in circles around the room. Think the UFO at Darien Lake, but instead of being locked in a cage while circumnavigating the room, you're merely sitting on a chunk of bleachers. The crazy gun-toting guy is reciting poetry, and then asked me of I liked it (Hitchhikers Guide?). Morgan coached me to say I hated it, because this guy was an approval-seeker, and would keep trying to get better, thus giving us more time to figure out what the hell to do. Then I decide that when this moving bench gets close to the guy (it's moving in an elliptical pattern, by the way, not circular), I'm going to stretch my leg out and kick him in the head. To do so, I need Morgan to hold onto me so I don't fall off, and he's trying to call Prentiss, so he's only holding with one hand, but I'm squeezing the life out it. So I stretched out my leg, and....

Woke up.
Why did I wake up, you ask? Because it was 5:37 and I had 8 minutes to be in my car and mobile, because I had fallen back asleep after the 5:15 alarm, and my internal clock only works at the last minute.

Which brings me back to the hell that was my Saturday. What really made that day annoying was that I was scheduled for 6am to do a job that's usually done at 12 or 4pm. Not sure why, especially when it's been established that Malibu does not do 6am shifts. Does NOT. The job is slated for a later hour due to the fact that the necessary materials are not available until later in the day. So I spent at least 3 hours of that day walking around the building trying to get enough stuff to do my damn job, at least another hour helping other people do their work because I was prevented from doing mine, and the remaing 4 struggling to get my work done on time. Thus the crash upon my return home. That job is stressful enough on my full 5 hours of sleep.

Today was a lot better. Well. Meh. Maybe a lot is saying too much. But there was some excellent teamwork happening that I appreciated. Thank you Justin, you rocked today.

In Popmundo news (yes, I am an addict, I can't help it), I have been playing for one full year now. Which is actually amazing, considering that last January I was like, "I don't understand this stupid game, fuck it," but then I gave it one more chance, and it all made sense. Now here I am, a top 2% rated Rock Superstar (top 2% sounds better than ranked #886, especially taking into consideration there are 42141 other Rock bands in the game. We should switch to Country, there're only 1441 of them. Easier to top the charts), married with two beautiful daughters. Wonderful. Hubby and I are trying for #3 (my #3, his #4) once we get off our upcoming world tour - the first one. All the others have been small. A North and South American Tour, a Western European Tour, the Asia and Eastern Europe Tour, etc. Also, the record label I started is doing quite well, we've moved up a LOT on the list of best places to record at, which is just fantastic, because a lot of money went into that. I'm currently in the process of writing interviews for all of the bands on my label, to give to the local newspaper. My character's cousin is the editor of the paper. What else? I opened a second bank account in LA, cuz that's where the other apartment is, and that's gonna be money for the kids when they get older. Okay, I've spent entirely too long talking about this game, I'm fully aware, but it's like a faster, slightly more fun (due to the fact that other people are involved), cooler version of Sims. (Which I'm going to go play in about 10 minutes)

Onto the Erik debacle. I gave both Liz and Joe strict orders not to allow me to call, text, smoke signal, or otherwise attempt contact with him. It didn't work, because at breakfast I texted him repeatedly to tell him how unhealthy he was to my soul. It kinda sucked, but... well. It needed to be done. I'm not sure what it will take for me to be a hundred thousand percent over him, if 'over him' is really the right phrase. Probably not. I've always been 'over him' (even while I was under him, haha), but this is some new shit that I'm very unfamiliar with. It makes me a little nervous. Even hanging out with Kris isn't changing (and I should probably tell him that, if he doesn't see it here first), which is really strange because I like Kris. If Erik came to me tomorrow and was like, Byrd, I'm grown up now, let's make a go of this, I wouldn't leap into his arms... but I might consider it for half a second.

Maybe I've been self-consciously avoiding Kris this weekend because of texting Erik. Creeee-peeeeee.

Well. Whatever. What's done is done. I told him how I really felt, I told him I really shouldn't see him anymore, and all he could say was 'sorry'. So, fuck him and all the other bitches he rode in on.

Now I just gotta get rid of Lewiston. Dude will NOT stop texting and calling. Seriously, when the last time I answered your call was October 22 (yeah, I just consulted the phone for confirmation), and the last text I replied to was.... who knows when, you've GOT to take the hint. The more logical part of me want to call/answer/reply and be like, leave me the fuck alone, but I'm so creeped out and disgusted by him and I can't even bring myself to do that.

I'm actually talking to Liz right now, poor thing needed a recap of New Year's Eve. Like I'm really in a position to do that. Story's full of holes. Anyway, we apparently toasted to being replacement best buds to each other. Nice. Slowly but surely, with what she remembers and what I remember, the entire night will come together. We could just ask Joe, but I can't trust him not to embellish.

Speaking of replacements, this brings me to something that comes directly from Ann Landers herself (if you don't understand the segue, you're not in the loop): "Thank-you notes must be written immediately. If you don't receive an acknowledgment within three months, phone and ask if your gift was received. If the bride and groom are embarrassed, fine. They deserve to be."

Wonder if the person that's directed to will ever get the message... People are getting upset and insulted that it's been two months already without a thank you card.

And on that note. I have some pizza rolls, another ep of Criminal Minds ahead of me, some Sims3 to be played, and sleep to be had. Ciao!

Whirlpools...

noreply@blogger.com (Mεlissα ღ) — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 10:16:00 +0000

I have decided that the most annoying thing in the world is being completely crazy about someone you’re supposed to hate.

And I’m not even talking about just trying to stop liking someone because you realize they’ll never like you back, oh no, I’m talking about knowing that this person does like you back, even if they’ll probably never admit it out loud, but having a pretty strong inkling that no matter what, they’re going to hurt you in some way. Knowing that the smart thing is to just stay away. The safe thing is to stay away. But that the thing that will probably make you happy is not staying away.

I’ve been talking to E for the past hour or so. It started off simple. He sent a text asking how I was, asking how work was with him and his brother gone now. Relatively safe conversation, because a few weeks ago, with the passing of one of our former co-workers, I got that sort of epiphany that most people get when they’re around death and I decided that I needed him in my life in some way, even as just a friend. Most importantly, as a friend. As I’ve said many times before, when I’m having my mini-meltdowns, drowning in my own life, he’s the only person who can reach in and find me, and pull me out of the waves to the safety of the shore of sanity. I need him around from time to time. And since this is the time of year I tend to mentally aspirate, I really need him. So when I said I wanted to be friends again, but just friends, he said that was cool.

Anyway, I digress. The conversation was tame. I mentioned how I miss having all the boys work there, how I miss cooking for them, and suggested we all get together and I’ll make my famous chicken parm. From there, the exchange became laden with double entendre, and not from me. I reeled it in, reminding him that we were just friends now. He said what I wanted was cool… but it was a shame because, well, remember the good times we had.

After that, it all just came out. Word vomit, if you will. I told him how he made me feel the last time. Every detail I’ve used to describe it to my friends, how he made me feel like a whore – not the Eliot Spitzer kind, but the back alley, torn stockings, knock on the door with the secret code kind of whore. How the only thing I could compare it to was from years ago, lying there, realizing I’d just been raped. How I don’t even know how I got home, I don’t even remember the drive. How I cried for the first time in YEARS over a guy (I never even cried about Mike, and barely shed a tear about Bill so, I hope you all see how serious this is).

He apologized, said he felt bad for me and the girlfriend. I told him feeling bad doesn’t make it better or make it go away. Oh, and I should add that I started crying when he first apologized. Maybe that’s all I needed. I needed to hear him say it. I needed him to know exactly what he had done to me, and I needed to hear his remorse. He continued to apologize, up and down, didn’t realize he had hurt me like that, if he could take it back, he would. And I believe him. It was the words he used. I can’t explain it. I told him that next time, the intelligent thing to do is the next time I text/call whatever, no matter how drunk, no matter what I say, then he has to say, I’m sorry, I can’t.

But then he fires back, telling me he’s single now, and that to be honest, he really did want to ‘blank blank blank’ (‘blank blank blank’ = something uber personal and bordering slutty that I drunkenly texted to him that night, and I’m still trying to figure out what it means that he remembers, as drunk as he was, and what it means when he says he really did want to. If you’re that curious, ask and I’ll tell), then his texts turned flirty/sexual again, and I told him flat out that yeah, down the line we’ll probably end up there again. I can’t help it. It’s all the things I mentioned in my last post, the way he’ll surprise me with some sudden voice of maturity when I need it the most, and the far more intimate things… I’ll always go back. The fact that I’ve stayed away for almost 4 months at this point, despite being practically begged three times, means at least I have the strength to put my foot down and say enough is enough. Maybe I am a fool, who knows? I told him that too, that I’m probably a sucker, but he’ll get his chance to ‘blank blank blank’.

Then I was starting to fall asleep, and there was no way to keep that conversation going so I told him I was going to bed, I would love to get everyone together and make dinner for them, and that there would be no more sexy talk until I could separate him from some dirty rapist in my head. He said he hopes that happens soon, apologized again, and said goodnight hun. And sure, I’m probably acting like some 12-year-old with her first crush by overanalyzing his use of ‘hun’, but I don’t usually get ‘hun’ out of him.

All I know is that this little chat left me both relieved and twice as confused. Am I stupid, am I like those girls I make fun of for wanting to go back? Or was this really all we needed, me to spell out for him ho insensitive and obnoxious his actions were, for him to admit guilt and realize what he did was far greater than he thought? I don’t know. I don’t know what the right move is. It’s like, I don’t know that he’s bad for me so I can’t be sure if going back is wrong or not. (Walk Away by Christina Aguilera came to mind when I we finished talking.)

I don’t know. I just… I don’t know. I like him. Hell, I love him, the way you love your friends. Sometimes I wonder if there’s more. When he was in an accident over the summer I thought maybe there was, but that went away. Could I love him? Probably. Do I want to take the risk of finding out? Dude’s got a good head on his shoulders; he won’t always be an asshole. It might take him a few years, but he’ll turn out to be the kind of guy most women don’t even realize they’re looking for. Is it really worth hanging around, waiting for that guy to fully emerge? He bobs to the surface every now and then – he’s the one with my life raft – but he’s clearly not buoyant enough yet to stay afloat.

Side note: I’m in love with all my water references today. Now I’ve got to come up with a spectacular subject line…

Another thing occurred to me just now... Am I an idiot for being as open with him as I am... admitting my feelings, admitting that I'll eventually come back... Or does that mean that there's some level of trust there I can't hide from?

So… I’m here taking suggestions or ass-kickings as needed. Please give me your advice. This is just way unfamiliar territory to me.

noreply@blogger.com (Mεlissα ღ) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 01:44:00 +0000

I’m sure half the reason I’m writing this is because of delirium, seeing as how I’m sick as hell, especially because that’s the way my body rolls lately. There’s no happy medium. I’m either completely fine or I feel like I should be bedridden. I’m good to go one minute, then within five minutes I’m about to piss myself. I’m not hungry, and then ten minutes later I’m playing in the dirt while Santa Claus Jr is asking you to sponsor me for just ten little pennies a day. It’s like I can’t just be ‘okay’. I told my mom it’s because I’m old now. She just laughed, but I’m serious. I hit all the traditional milestones before most people. I was walking talking eating people food before more babies. I was reading while I was being potty trained. I was getting my braces taken off my fully developed adult teeth when half my class was still waiting for their baby teeth to fall out. I was physically capable of bearing children before my age hit double digits. In a general physical sense, I’ve been several years ahead of most people my age most of my life. Soooo…. I’m really about 60 by now.

Anyway, I digress. I came here to whine-rant-bitch about That Dude. You know the one. E.A. And I don’t mean Electronic Arts. That EA and I have been having issues since 2000 or so. This E.A. and I… It’s just a mess. Someone once asked me why I let him get away with treating me like shit for so long. But that’s the problem. He DIDN’T treat me like shit. Never, not one time (except, of course, our last ‘meeting’ where he ruined everything), did he treat me any less than the way he should have. He was an asshole, sure, I know that, I’d be lying to everyone and myself if I said he wasn’t. But I knew he was an asshole from the beginning, so it’s not like I never knew what to expect from him, but that’s just it. As much of an asshole as he was, he was just as much not an asshole. There was always that underlying nice guy. You just had to know how to find him. And I did.

We always talked about stuff. It wasn’t just random hook-ups now and then. We actually discussed things. He was always there when I needed someone to talk to. In fact, he’s one of the only people I felt safe enough to during my downward spiral last year, while also being one of the few people who reached out to catch me. He always told me he was there if I needed him, and I trusted him with that. And I always knew where we stood with each other. It wasn’t like other guys, say, Mike, where I never knew what was going on, where one night he’s hugging me, holding me, kissing my forehead, my temple, but then the next day he’s telling my friend he’s not into me and doesn’t understand why I think he is. No, E was always constant. There were no ups and downs, no back and forth bullshit, it was just him and it was just me. We had fun together.

We argued a lot, but it was usually over the most petty and ridiculous things. Like the 6-hour heated discussion over the correct spelling of “touché”, that ended when I finally got access to a dictionary. Like what color my underwear were one day (they weren’t purple, they were clearly violet). What channel is TBS (which remains unsolved because I was arguing with DirecTV standards and he was on Dish Network or something)? Most people thought that to be a sign that we didn’t get along, but I highly disagree. I think the more stupid, asinine, sibling-esque arguments you get into with someone, the more passion you have for them. (This is not, however, to be confused with drag-out fights about things like, who were you with, whose fucking panties are these in our couch, I don’t care if your mother is dying I want you to stay home. Those are fights most likely best solved by breaking up.)

The worst part about all this? There really could have been something there. Maybe not next month or even next year, but someday. He just had to grow up, and I just had to shake my commitmentphobia. After that, things could have been all good. But no. He ruined everything in August, and I’m done. No amount of growing up on his part can fix things. However, let’s face it, in a month or so from now, if he calls me, chances are I’ll have cooled off enough to give him a quick reunion, but he’s never gonna be right with me again. And that makes me sad. As picky and set in my ways as I am, finding someone who would fit is an amazing thing. He could have been it. I read somewhere that if you make a list of all the things that would turn you off a guy, and when you meet someone, if he has a bunch of things on that list but you still like him, he’s a keeper. Well, E met most of the requirements in the ‘want’ column, and had at least 2 from the ‘don’t want’ column, but I didn’t even mind. One of them was a habit I could have broken him from over time, and the other was something he recently grew out of. There you go.

But … he killed it. Whatever we could have had. Gone. Sucks to be him.

Anyway, I’m going to bed now, since I’m old and all. It’s only 9:42, but, yeah, it’s about that time. Gotta be in top shape for work and the game tomorrow. Do you know how hard it is to watch a Bills game and do work at the same time? Especially when I’m supervising at least 4 or 5 guys who I’m gonna have to make sure are doing their work?

Spynacus

noreply@blogger.com (Mεlissα ღ) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 03:38:00 +0000

Spynacus on Facebook

Minor updates

noreply@blogger.com (Mεlissα ღ) — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 04:05:00 +0000

So, for those of you who haven't noticed... I FINALLY got around to typing up the re-write of Redemption. I apologize for any typos, I was also doing laundry and a million other things at the time, so when it came time for editing and html coding, everything started to look the same.

That's really about it. I've decided to keep this layout as a Halloween theme as well, so, yeah. I was gonna do something for September, but clearly that ship sailed, so I guess we're looking at this one for a few more weeks. I have a cute idea for November/Thanksgiving that I've toyed around with for a few years now, and I never manage to finish. But this time I have some new ideas for it, and that's always inspirational.

That's about it. I've got some more minor annoyances going on, but there's a snitch on the payroll, so I can't really discuss them now. All I'll say is that if you're involved in something that takes a lot of time to plan and organize, and one person unravels the plan with every move they make... it's really really annoying. You all know how I am when it comes to organization, so you can imagine how this would get on my nerves. It's like there was never a real plan to begin with.

And with that, I'm going to go catch up on my shows and go to bed. Well, Angels of Hellfire are on stage right now, so I gotta go see how that show's going so far before I do anything.

Oops.

noreply@blogger.com (Mεlissα ღ) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 03:07:00 +0000

I realize it's been a million thousand years since I've written, so here I am. Nothing much is happening here on my end though. I've managed to turn down that guy twice, and since I knew the first time was gonna be the hardest, I was pretty proud of myself. The next one, I didn't just turn him down, I played the hell out of him, so I was exceptionally proud of that. On one hand, it makes me a little sad, because with all the other crap we went through and dealt with, I'm sure he actually cares for me, and sure, I care for him as well, but he needs to see that I'm not his toy.

Anyway... there may be a new guy on the horizon. We'll see. It's not my bugaboo, because I've lost all patience for him, but someone I've known for a little over a year and a half now, and every time we run into each other we kind of flirt around. Well, this time we kissed :) And yes, that was it. I'm not even sure how it happened. The problem now exists in the pattern of cock-blocking a certain friend of mine has, and the fact that said gentleman is part of her fiancé's circle. I can picture this being a hot mess. Guess we'll see in about six weeks.

So... my Little One wrote a book, and I'm so proud of her! Love you, Veve!

Piiiiiiiiiiiissed.

noreply@blogger.com (Mεlissα ღ) — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 20:09:00 +0000

So on one hand I'm insanely pissed off. On the other, a little grateful. I got a chance to see what an ultimate, quintessential douchenozzle someone could be, before I made the ingenious move of telling them how I was feeling.

Girlfriend. The idiot has a girlfriend. And waited until after the drunken texts AND the "result" of said drunken texts to inform me, by telling me his girlfriend is gonna be pissed at him because he was supposed to meet her. Maybe... just maybe, I should have been informed of this girlfriend earlier, no? He tried to apologize, but I cut him off and told him "not as sorry as you're gonna be, I guess." The ghetto in me really toyed with the idea of texting him constantly once he met up with the girlfriend. The dirtiest, nastiest texts I could think of.

Then today he texted me saying "I don't mean to be an asshole, but we can't be doing anything like that no more." Never mind we've been doing 'anything like that' for two years now, but I told him he should have told me that last night, to which he said, "but I didn't, so I'm telling you now." My reply? "Spectacular."

So I then told him maybe I should thank him, telling him that the girl in me was making me think I was having feelings out of this, but luckily this all let me know what a dumbass idea that was, and that even if he should find himself single again in the future, we shouldn't get together again even then. His smartass answer was "hence i said 'no more' ". Really? So I said, "well, hence I didn't know that's what you meant." Ugh. Such a fucking asshole.

Seriously, I really should send him a nice gift basket. Thank you for straightening me out, for not letting me waste any more time on your trifling ass. What the fuck ever.

ANYSHIT, five days from now I'll be eating at Jason's Deli in Phoenix with Amanda and Miranda. EEEE! I think I'll start with a kick-ass salad, followed by a chicken salad sangwich, a turkey bacon club, then follow it up with some fro-yo.

And then, the following night, I'm REALLY hooking up with Kellan Lutz, because I'm still pissed off and that will make me feel better.

Velvet Snow

noreply@blogger.com (Mεlissα ღ) — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 03:32:00 +0000

So it’s been an interesting few weeks. First, let me tell you about this dream I had. Why was I dating Eric Balfour? And if you just asked yourself “Who?”, you’re not alone. I was so unsure if that’s who it actually was that I had to look him up when I woke up. But it was definitely Eric Balfour. This was especially funny because I haven’t seen anything with him in it in years, so it’s not like I just saw him on TV and then dreamed of him, and I don’t even find him attractive. Had I dreamed of, say, Orlando Bloom for no reason, I wouldn’t even question it. Anyway, I went to a courthouse and police station type building to visit him, so it’s possible somewhere in there I was thinking about the show Conviction, which is the only thing I could remember him on without looking it up (Don’t get me wrong, he’s all over the place, confirmed by IMDb, but I couldn’t name a thing except Conviction). I walked in and everyone knew me and said hi, I walked through the police station and down a hall and into his office, where some tawdry goings-on occurred. And dude was tall as hell. I looked it up, he’s 6’2”, but he was like 7 even in the dream. He had to actually bend down to kiss me. It was weird. Anyway, enough of that.

I finally bought my tickets for Phoenix. I’m insanely excited now. Just put in for my vacation time, and I am all set. I can’t wait! Going to get my ‘hurr did’ a few days before I go. Before I leave, I have to remember to change the layout at RA. It’s inspired by a number of August events, all of which make me very happy.

Now… onto the real reason I’m here. Since I am again being “encouraged” to “settle down”, I’d like to reiterate that I’m not just going to “settle down” with just anything that moves, and it’s getting on my last nerve when you attempt blatant set-ups. STOP THAT. That reminds me, I’m considering asking a certain individual to be my date, but since I’ll be up at the head table all through dinner, I don’t want to leave him alone, so I might not. If I do go solo, if anyone – ANYONE – tries to set me up with ANY of the guests at the wedding, I will leave. If I should so choose to chat up someone, that is my business. Don’t you dare rattle off someone’s “good points”, thinking that they’re all the traits that I’m looking for, and expect to start planning the wedding.

And to further clarify, let me show you this. I started writing this for one story, about half way through I realized it works better for a different story, so I did some light editing, and once I was finished I realized that, of course, this is really my opinion more than any of my characters. Anywhatsits, this was actually a conversation, not a monologue, but I cleaned it up a bit to make it like a mini speech for the purpose of posting here (and so that you can’t tell which story it’s gonna end up in).

This is what I’ll be able to say when I do meet someone I want to “settle down” with, and until then, you all need to back the fuck up outta my face:
“Because I’m a confident, independent woman who knows exactly who she is, what she wants, and what she deserves. And with that, comes the knowledge of what I don’t want, and I will never make do with anything less just to placate the expectations of society, my family, my friends, or anyone else. Your [brother/son/father/best friend] is a strong, intelligent man, just as secure in his own skin as I am, sincere, and passionate, but never jealous. He loves and adores his family, always putting them before himself and even before me, for which I can do nothing but respect him that much more. He inspires me and he challenges me. Not one day can go by without him reminding me that I am nothing but equal to any man on this earth, while never letting me forget that I’m a woman. I love him, and I’ve waited a very long time to be able to say that about anyone. I never thought I would, but then I met him.”
(the [brother/son/father/best friend] bit is intended to protect the secrecy of the story)

And that, my friends, is that. So until that day comes, and you will know, leave me alone. It’s not like all my problems will be solved if I get married tomorrow. Will I have a new car? My bills will all be paid? I’ll be out of debt? My credit score will go up? My hair will cooperate in the summer? I’ll lose 30 pounds? Will all this happen magically overnight? If it will, I’ll talk some sucker into eloping in Niagara Falls this weekend. But no, it doesn’t annoy the shit out of me to constantly be set up. *eyeroll*

I'm so insanely exhausted right now, by the way, so I'm going to bed. I'm fully aware that it's barely 11 on a Saturday night in Buffalo, but I barely made it through this post (in fact, I'm pretty sure I dozed off twice). Gotta work with some more dummies tomorrow, so I need all the rest I can get.

Using the music, yo!

noreply@blogger.com (Mεlissα ღ) — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 03:17:00 +0000

Pick an artist..use their song titles to answer questions!
You can't use my artist

Pick your Artist: Kings of Leon

Are you a Male or a Female: Taper Jean Girl
Describe Yourself: Charmer
How do you feel: Day Old Blues
If you could go anywhere, where would you go: California Waiting
Your Favorite form of Transportation: Camaro
Your Best Friend is: Arizona
You and your best friends are: McFearless
What's the weather like: Cold Desert
Favorite Time of Day: Slow Night So Long
If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: King of the Rodeo
What is life to you: My Party
Your last relationship: Wasted Time
Your current relationship: Happy Alone
Your fear: True Love Way
What is the best advice you have to give: Be Somebody
Thought for the day: Notion
My soul's present condition: Holy Roller Novocaine

I have an addiction to these.

noreply@blogger.com (Mεlissα ღ) — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 23:38:00 +0000

Okay, so this one was the best one ever!

Put your IPOD OR MP3 Player on ShuffleB. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.C. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY? Say It Ain't So
2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY? Superhero Girl
3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? Shot to Pieces
4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? Did You Get My Message
5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE? Think Twice
6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? No Strings Attached
7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? Nothing Really Matters
8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS? Heaven
9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? Anything and Everything
10. WHAT IS 2+2? All That Remains
11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? When You're Gone
13. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? Under Pressure
14. WHAT WILL (did?) YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? Dancing in the Wind
15. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? Ain't No Other Man
16. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? Rock DJ
17. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET? 11:11 pm
18. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? Violet
19. WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN? Whatever It Takes
20. HOW WILL YOU DIE? If Only Through Heaven's Eyes
21. DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU? Shorty Get Loose
22. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE? Clockwatching
23. WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW? She Loves You
24. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS? Plush

Get rid of that damn thing.

noreply@blogger.com (Mεlissα ღ) — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 15:21:00 +0000

So I guess I need to re-think things. When you immediately start freaking out about the possibility of someone being hurt, chances are you're not as casual about that person as you once thought, no?

Yesterday evening, Erik got into a motorcycle accident. When Brenda told me, my heart plummetted into my stomach. Not sank, which implies a slow but steady descent, but plummetted. Dean's mom came to get him from work and take him to the hospital, while I'm just pretending to go about my work like this doesn't affect me. It wasn't until I was staring at the microwave, crying a little and freaking out, that the truth came out, and I texted Dean to tell him he better tell me everything he knows, exactly when he finds it out, at which point he replied that his mom told him Erik was currently in and out of consciousness.

Really? How am I going to get ANY work done at this point?

I called Tara, and she kept me sane, thank God. I finished the day, got home, and then took a shower. Luckily, when I got out, I had a text waiting for me from Dean, that Erik was okay, really nothing wrong with him at all, other than scrapes, bruises, and a 'tarnished ego'. To quote directly from a few of Dean's texts (so don't mind the spelling/grammar): "he stormed outside with his iv bag demanding a cigerette and this nurse bitching at him...it was funny as hell" (to which I responsed, 'so the asshole didn't get beat out of him') and "lol...it was funny...this nurse just looked at us like 'i give up...i hate this fuck' "

So, in general, he's okay, but I dunno if I am. I said to Elonda, what, does he want me to march down to the hospital and admit I love him or something? She looked surprised, and said she didn't even know it was like that. I said, "Well shit. Neither did I." Ugh. I told him last summer to get rid of that damn bike. I don't care how hot he looks on it, he'd look hot in a pair of effin rollerblades, for Christ's sake. This time wasn't so bad, but what about next time? I can't go through this stress again.

In other news, I have no idea what to do about my new friend. King of mixed signals, I swear to God. Just when I feel like he's not into it, he says something that keeps me into it. When I give him three possible outs, basically giving him any excuse to avoid me without him actually having to say he's not interested, it appears to me that he took two of them, but then turned around with the third one, pretty much asking me to hang out. CONFUSING. Why can't guys just say what they mean?

And THEN, there's this absolutely adorable but far too young for me guy after me, and he's really just the cutest thing ever. But... almost in a pet or little brother kind of way. He's just so damn cute. He keeps calling me future wife, which is adorable, but he already kind of ruined himself this morning when he's called me 4 times already before the hour of 10am.... even though last night when I talked to him I told him I really don't wake up til 11. Oh Christ, this one's gonna be interesting.

And for a complete non seguitur, I just happened to stretch and lean back, and saw my sociology certificate, on which my name is written even fancier than on the degree, and Byrd doesn't even look like a real word. It's weird. Anyway... gotta go call this helpless puppy back before he calls again, and then go get some bloodwork done. Yay.

Love Potion № 9

noreply@blogger.com (Mεlissα ღ) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 06:04:00 +0000

And I finally, FINALLY, changed the RA layout! YES! If you didn't know any better, you'd have thought I was trying to set a record for last year's half-ass layout update. You remember, the pink JC one that was just a refurb of the green & blue JC one, that I put up in like, March, and it stayed til about Christmas? Yeah, at least this one was only mid-January to mid-June. See? Progress. God... remember when I changed it every month? I used to plan them out months ahead of time too. And now... nothing.

Anyway... as mentioned in the Updates section, I'm still re-writing Redemption. I'm starting Chapter 7, and the problem now (as always) is typing it up. Grrr. Maybe I should get with the times and type directly instead of walking around with my obnoxiously organized notebook and hand-writing stuff. But then again, I'm a pen hoarder, so I gotta use the ink somewhere. Um... I'm really really really considering that it's time to give up on L&T. I think I'm just gonna post my notes on how the story ends. Which would mean more typing, but - I think I'm gonna get around that by scanning my notes and calling it a day. But yeah, that story's dead. Furthermore, the storyline, as I've said before, is entirely too personal and painful. Not to mention that I don't hang out with, talk to, or even catch a glimpse of any of those people, so the inspiration for the entire cast is nada. No buenos.

So... I made a new friend. I don't know where things will go with said friend, but I know that I am finally getting bored with the usual 'relationships' that I have. Not sure what that means. Am I getting old? Am I finally over all the bullshit baggage and ready to actually call someone a boyfriend? We'll see. It took me a few moments just to make myself type the word. *shudder* Boyfriend. Ugh. It freaks me out to even consider it. But I'm actually so 'serious' about it that I kept reeling myself in when my flirting could have gone down a different road. And then, I'm all dumbass about it. You know how when I actually like (or think I could like) someone, I get all stupid and shy? Well, yeah. That's where I am. I can give him my smartass flirting all day, but when it comes to inviting him to go out or get together - nothing. Then I have to go whining to our mutual friend to make arrangements for us to hang out. Grrrr. I'm such a girl.

Anyshizz... I'm gonna get going now. Just thought I'd leave that little tidbit for you to read, ponder, and hopefully, if you're the person who that 3rd paragraph is about, you can give me some sort of clue as to what to do next. I'm now going to watch a little Gilmore Girls... (season 2, disc 4) cuz I'm bored and occasionally during bouts of extreme boredom, I start watching series over from the beginning. It's usually GG and Sex & the City. Oh, and listen to this bullshit. My disc 5 of Supernatural season 3 - doesn't work. No season finale, no gag reel. It's all bullshit. Whatever. Ciao for now...

'The Female Survey'

noreply@blogger.com (Mεlissα ღ) — Mon, 11 May 2009 04:46:00 +0000

Sometimes I feel like I'm far older than I really am. So I kill some time by doing surveys that allow me to be a smartass and slightly immature.

They also give me yet another outlet to passive-agressively talk shit to people.

1)Does your Facebook password have to do with a boy? Haha, yeah, in a roundabout way

2)What's one thing a guy can do to make you like them? Be likeable. : )

3)Are you a girly girl? Definitely not

4)Big or small purse? Medium

5)Do you enjoy drama? Sometimes it can break up the monotony of any otherwise shitty week, but other than that, I wish people would grow up

6)Did you dress up on Halloween? You know it .

7)How many guys will read this just because it says "FEMALE SURVEY" Tara said it – “If even one does, please make a point of saying hey in the comments section.”

8)Can you put on mascara without opening your mouth?Yup.

9)Have you ever been called a bad influence? Yup

10)Do you think your pretty, honestly? Not especially

11)Eyeliner or mascara? If I have to pick one, eyeliner. But preferably both

12)American Eagle or Hollister? Ugh, neither

13)Heels or flats?Heels, usually

14)Skirts or jeans? Ditto to Tara - > JEANS FOR THE WIN.

15)Straight or curly hair? Well, mine is wavy, so... straight

16)hoops or dangling earings? Dangly

17)Do you prefer light or dark haired guys? The “real” answer is it doesn’t matter, but in retrospect, I seem to prefer dark hair

18)Do you have a best friend? Several of them. They are awesome. : )

19)Do you like your life? I have my moments

20)Ever walked into the guy's bathroom? You imply that I would do this by accident and not purposely. I don’t know what the hell these bitches are doing in there. Balancing their checkbooks?

21)Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on? Nope

22)Have you ever not been able to get someone off your mind? : )

23)Do you ever wish you were famous? Ditto AGAIN. My life is like the freakin Enquirer. At least get the stories right before it issue goes to print-> I mean, people make up stories about me all the time. Clearly, I am worthy of having things said about me.

24)Preppy or Punk/goth? It’s sort of a blend

25)Contacts or Glasses? Contacts. In fact, as I say this, despite my eyeballs itching like crazy, I’m desperate to put my contacts back in because my glasses keep falling off

26)Good cook or take you out a lot? Cooking is pretty hot

27)Funny or Serious? Funny. Please. If there’s one thing I can’t be bothered with, it’s no sense of humor

28)Cute or Hot Guy? Mmmm.... somewhere between

29)Long or short hair? Shorter than mine, at least

30)Smoker or non-smoker? NON!!!!!

31)Tall or short. Tall. .

32)Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? I consider.

33)If you ever want to live to see another day, you're forced to snort cocaine do you do it? Just one time? Or for every day I want to live?

34)When is the last time you were in a photo booth taking pictures with a friend?Last summer

35)Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided seeing them? Hahaha. “Fucking Brian’s coming.”

36)On average what do you think you cry about the most? Career frustration

37)Who was the last guy you talked to?My popmundo hubby

38)Do you think best friends can be replaced?! Not replaced so much as.... re-evaluated

39)Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life? I have ?

40)Which of your friends is the easiest to talk to?Char, Miranda, Joe, Liz

41)What friend do you tell the most to? Char, Miranda, Joe, Liz... at this point, Lindsay

42)Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Miranda

43)Where's the weirdest place you've changed clothes?nothing’s weird to me .

44)Are you going anywhere this summer? PHOENIX!!!!!!!!!

45)Are you waiting for anyone's call right now?Not right now, but yeah

46)Are you talkative? I can be

47)Are you good at hiding your feelings? Usually

48)How is life going for you right now? Sleepily

49)Do you trust people easily? There’s usually like a month-long probation.

50)Do you give out second chances easily? It depends on what you did

51)Do you smile a lot? Yes

52)Some things you're looking forward to? PHOENIX

53)How do you feel about change? I can’t even answer this because I can’t stop laughing at Tara: Annoying. I prefer bills.

54)Have you ever cried from being so mad? Usually when I get mad I cry, so... yeah

55)Last time you got a message and smiled? About 15 minute ago or something? I just got told I was the best comp buddy ever. : )

56)Have you ever regretted letting someone go? Nope. If I let them go it was for a reason

57)Do you prefer to be around people, or by yourself? What kind of mood am I in?

58)Do you believe in Happily ever after? Nope

59) Are you in love right now? In lurve. And the sooner he admits to himself that he is too, we’re all good. We’ll cross the love bridge if we come to it. Which I’m hoping we don’t

60) What are you doing today? Today is over. Thank God

Spynacus on Facebook!

noreply@blogger.com (Mεlissα ღ) — Fri, 08 May 2009 05:50:00 +0000

They're everywhere!

Spynacus's Facebook Page

Promote Your Page Too

100 Truths

noreply@blogger.com (Mεlissα ღ) — Thu, 07 May 2009 01:51:00 +0000

So this is how you know I'm truly bored. I'm not bothering to tag anyone, because I'm lazy like that. I will just give my answers while I wait for Erik to get out of work so that we can hang out for a bit before I go hang out with Joe. It will undoubtedly be a rock band day, Spynacus is incredibly out of practice.

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. last beverage = Cacaoberry Tea
2. last phone call = Miranda
3. last text message = "I wanna make cookies."
4. last song you listened to = Scream - A7X
5. last time you cried = I don't even know

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. dated someone twice = Define 'date'
7. been cheated on = Yes
8. kissed someone & regretted it = No
9. lost someone special = Yes
10. been depressed = Yes
11. been drunk and threw up = Yes

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Violet
13. Lavender
14. Purple

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)
15. Made a new friend = Yes
16. Fallen out of love = No
17. Laughed until you cried = Yes. Laughed until I peed down at the Eternal Flame
18. Met someone who changed you = Not yet
19. Found out who your true friends were = Word
20. Found out someone was talking about you = Like I give a shit
21. Kissed anyone on your fb friend's list = Probably

GENERAL:
22. How many people on your fb friends list do you know in real life? = 99.9%. I'm far more strict with my added friends here than the Space
23. How many kids do you want to have? = 4
24. Do you have any pets? = Dustbunnies
25. Do you want to change your name? = Just the spelling
26. What did you do for your last birthday? = Went downtown and met the girls from Scotland, the following week did Macaroon's culminating in the blast at Joe's as a joint effort to celebrate my, Joe's and Mike's bdays.
27. What time did you wake up today? = 10:00, 10:15, 10:30, 10:45, 11:00, and eventually actually getting out of bed at 11:15
28. What were you doing at midnight last night? = Heading home from the movies.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = TwiCon
30. Last time you saw your Mother = an hour ago
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? = my tax bracket
32. What are you listening to right now? = previews for next week's Lost
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? = yup.
34. What's getting on your nerves right now? = Way too many things to mention
35. Most visited webpage = mine, Popmundo
37. Nicknames = Mel, Malibu, AJ
38. Relationship Status = Single & determined to stay that way
39. Zodiac sign = Virgo, Libra
40. Male or female? = Ask Erik
41. Elementary? - OLBS
42. Middle School = N/A
43. High school/College = Lancaster HS, University at Buffalo, ECC
44. Hair colour = dark brown, and according to my mom, looked purple in the sun
45. Long or short = medium
46. Height = 5'6"
47. Do you have a crush on someone? = Mr. Kellan Lutz.
48: What do you like about yourself? = All of it
49. Piercings = Ears
50. Tattoos = 8 and 2 more to go
51. Righty or lefty = Righty

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery = Something about my vocal cords when I was like, 3
53. First piercing = 9 yrs old, ears
54. First best friend = Jill Sutton
55. First sport you joined = Basketball
56. First vacation= Summers at Rainbow Lake in Ellicottville. Well, then it was Jellystone Park, complete with daily ride-bys of Yogi and Boo-Boo
58. First pair of trainers = Trainers? Really?

RIGHT NOW
59. Eating = Nada
60. Drinking = Strawberry melon tropicana
61. I'm about to = Get dressed and go to Erik's.
62. Listening to = The Unusuals
63. Waiting on = this to be over

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids? Yes
65. Get Married? Not so much
66. Career? Band manager, PR person

WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes = Who we talkin' about?
68. Hugs or kisses = Kisses
69. Shorter or taller = Taller
70. Older or Younger = Younger
71. Romantic or spontaneous = Spontaneous
72. Nice stomach or nice arms = Arms
73. Sensitive or loud = Little of both
74. Hook-up or relationship = Hook-up
75. Trouble maker or hesitant = Trouble Maker

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger = Yup
77. Drank hard liquor = Yes
78. Lost glasses/contacts = Surprisingly, nope
79. Sex on first date = Then it's not officially a date : )
80. Broken someone's heart = : )
81. Had your own heartroken = Yes
82. Been arrested = : )
83. Turned someone down = Yes
84. Cried when someone died = Yes
85. Fallen for a friend? = Yup

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself = Yes
87. Miracles = No
88. Love at first sight = No, but with any luck it'll work in Phoenix
89. Heaven = Maybe
90. Santa Claus = Eh...
91. Kiss on the first date = Yes
92. Angels = Maybe

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
93. Had more than one bf/gf? = At a time?
95. Did you sing today? = As a matter of fact, a lot
96. Ever cheated on somebody?= Nope
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go, and why? = "I'd go back to the time my parents were having sex to have me. I'd smack my dad on the ass and go, 'I'm from the future I'm your daughter!' "
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? = Any day of the cruise. In fact, the Mexico day. So I could drink MORE
99. Are you afraid of falling in love? = No, I just avoid it
100. Posting this as 100 truths? = Sure....

❦ Wooo!

noreply@blogger.com (Mεlissα ღ) — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 02:58:00 +0000

So I'm coming around to Mr. Lutz. It's no longer just Kellan as Emmett that I enjoy, but Kellan himself.

Oh, and a little tidbit here, Kellan is in the 'Making of Twilight' more than he's actually in Twilight.

I just finished watching Generation Kill, and oh my God... if anyone ever made me finally like a Marine, it's him. Now I'm incessantly watching anything with him in it. I know Prom Night is finally on Starz, so it's only a matter of time before it gets to HBO. I damn sure wasn't willing to pay for that pile of shit, so I'll just wait for HBO. I've watched Accepted about a million times, just to watch him stare at naked chicks.

And now... Miranda, Amanda, and maybe Miranda's friend Kelsey, and I are going to the Twilight convention in Phoenix. I am SO retarded excited. There's a ball, and I'm like Special Ed over my dress. I swear, I look at it every day, just waiting to finally be able to order it. But there's some budgeting that needs to be considered.

Anyway, my goal there is to have Kellan fall completely in love with me. Not like that will be hard; I will simply charm his pants off - I mean, I will charm him.

Hopefully by convention time, I will have a new job. I've been on two interviews now and they both went really well, so .. fingers crossed.

My Popmundo obsession continues to grow stronger. It's insane. Y'all should join me in the game. I just got married, my band is almost a headliner, I started a company, and my hubby and I are now trying for a baby. It's even more fun than the Sims sometimes, since there are other people in control too.

I'm already plotting for Bills training camp. Erin, we still going? Poz might be off my radar right now, half-naked pictures of Mr. Lutz are sort of distracting... but I'm sure once we head to camp and I see Mr. Posluszny in his little shorts, I'll be right back there.

What else am I up to? I don't even know. Just killing time right now, pretty much. It's boring. I should go now, anyway, gotta go check Popmundo. My company is bidding on a new building, I gotta get my last bids in. Ciao for now.

Job Hunting Sucks

noreply@blogger.com (Mεlissα ღ) — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 20:29:00 +0000

I hate this job market and economic situation. Looks like I'm not gonna be able to bail on April 11 like I planned. New quitting date: May 2. Let's hope I get something by then.

Other than that, in writing news, I've been getting a bunch of feedback for BMW, which certainly makes me happy. I just have no idea when that's gonna be updated. Right now my #1 priority is getting a new job. Wish me luck.

I got Twilight this weekend. No more raggedy bootleg version! Yeah, that's right, after the 4 viewings in Phoenix, when I got home I found a bootleg online, and I've watched it almost every night. It's heinously green-tinged, and the sound is like half a second behind. It's not that obvious all the time, especially considering when I watch it I'm usually half-asleep. The only part where it's 'annoying', is when Jacob and Bella are walking on the beach, and Jessica screams... Jake and Bella jump and turn, and THEN you hear the scream.

Anyway... just wanted to keep everyone "updated" on my sucking at life.

Lazy and Dumb Kids

noreply@blogger.com (Mεlissα ღ) — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 03:30:00 +0000

So I’ve been feeling really old lately. It mostly has to do with work and kids online. There’s no way that I, or any of my friends, were as lazy and dumb as kids these days. Seriously, some of these kids at work are really really annoying.

This girl was an extra cleaning person yesterday, and she was all like, ‘they got me cleaning stuff I ain’t never seen anyone clean.’ Uh… yeah, that’s because you’re the extra cleaning person. You’re cleaning the stuff that no one ever gets a chance to clean.

Then there’s the kid I was training a couple weeks ago, who kept begging to go on break. You work 4 hours and you barely do anything, why do you need a break? Then he’s all whining about how the job is so hard. He had to work a morning shift – a full day – and he was complaining about that. I told him it wasn’t that big of a deal, and he said ‘you don’t understand, you don’t work 8 hours.’ Um, actually, I work 8 hours everyday, as I have been for like, 8 years now – even while I was in school full time. As a matter of fact, when I was working at Kohl’s too, I worked every single day. 5 days at Kohl’s and 2 and the Hill. But I digress. He’s telling me I don’t work 8 hours, because he comes in at 4. Um, look at the schedule honey, the rest of us come in at noon. We’re on break when you come in at 4.

Ugh. Then, there’s a batch of kids online who just constantly admit to stupid things. Like not getting any sleep or doing any homework because they’re spending all their time online. Now… I don’t sleep a lot, I only need like 5 hours, but sometimes I don’t even get that, but it’s usually due to TV or a book. I have never in my life found myself failing a class because I spend too much time on a website. Not even MY website. I have once been late as hell to work because I was writing code for my website and got way too into it and lost all sense of time, but other than that, nothing like what some of these kids talk about. I just don’t get it.

Is this how people our parents’ age think about us? Is it all the changing of the times? Kids these days are more spoiled than I, and I was more spoiled than my parents? It’s ridiculous. Anyway. I just wanted to vent about that.

Am I paranoid or just negative?

noreply@blogger.com (Mεlissα ღ) — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 20:53:00 +0000

So for any eyes that see this and know the people in it - KEEP IT TO YOURSELF FOR NOW.

So I'm getting concerned about the way Dani's handling this wedding business. The engagement itself, the planning process, everything. I feel like she can't make any decisions on her own, I feel like she got swept up into the whole thing.

I love Cliff. He's the best boyfriend Dani's ever had, in the way that he treats her. She's like his princess. What scares me is the way she has become. I mentioned before, she's clingy. When we all used to go out and play darts, if they weren't actively throwing a dart, they were standing with their arms around each other. The bar is like the size of someone's living room, if you sneeze in the bathroom, you could spray germs on the dartboard, yet they walked each other to the bathroom and waited outside the door for each other. We're at a Seether concert and everyone's jumping around, they're holding onto each other for dear life.

And then the personal things with me. I used to invite her to Ying's every week to see Erik play, she turned me down, claiming not to like that bar. She started dating Cliff, and that's his regular bar too, and she was there constantly with him. Several times, I've asked her and she turns me down, then I go, and see her there with Cliff. I pretended not to see her. Then there was the time she was late picking me up for dinner, because she'd been on the phone with him for an hour. Then when she did pick me up, we stopped by the Shamrock because she had to go see him, making us even later... and then after dinner (which she inhaled), she went home and he went over there. So, even though he was coming over and spending the night, she still had to talk to him all that time and then go see him, inconveniencing me.

Then something I mentioned once before, when she made some condescending comment about the time Miranda and I spent with theRev, making us sound like some kind of groupies instead of a couple girls hanging out with their friends, who just happen to be in a band.

Anyway... onto the marriage thing.

In December, Dani said something to me about Cliff's friends always complaining he never has any money. She didn't understand it, because he was always paying bills on time, paying for her when they went out. The friends said, well, whenever we all go out, he never goes because he says he has no money. I said, Dani, you dumbass. He's obviously saving up for something, probably a ring. She doesn't believe me. Several days later, he does go out with the guys, gets a little drunk, and when he comes home to her house, as he's falling asleep, starts asking about jewelry. Does she like silver or gold? Rings with one stone or a bunch? Etc. She tells me, I'm like, DUH! So she says, I don't know how I feel about being engaged yet, that's a big deal, we've only been together for just under a year and a half (previous boyfriends 1 and 2 were four years each). I ask her if they've ever talked about it; she says, not seriously. I advise her to have that talk.

Christmas Eve, Cliff proposes. She says yes. I can't blame her, I imagine it's really hard to say no. But they still haven't actually talked about marriage, and she says they'll just have a long engagement, at least a year before they even start planning for a wedding.

New Years Eve, Dani informs me the wedding is in November. January 3, she tries to take me shopping for bridesmaid dresses. I talk her out of that, telling her that me and the bridesmaids all want to lose weight before the wedding, will make more sense to shop later, especially since we aren't getting dresses at like a bridal shop, where they can easily alter them. We're trying to find nice cocktail dresses at like JCPenney or something. Also, everythng that's out now is for Summer. It'll make more sense to wait for Fall stuff.

She just wanted a small wedding. 100 people, tops. It'd be mostly family, because between her and Cliff, they've kept the same close group of friends, and 6 of us are in the wedding, which narrows that down. There are probably only 15 more to go on the friends list, then the rest is family.

Now the guest list is at 200 and growing. I might also add that neither one of them can really afford this, which is why she originally wanted to wait.

Now she's booked the reception hall and all that, she found a dress - and was astounded and disgusted that it cost $600. I was like, how much do you think wedding gowns cost? You're lucky to have found something like this for 6. But I digress... now she's looking at cakes, and flowers. She's constantly sending me pics of cakes, or flower arrangements, asking which one I like. I ask her which one she likes. She'll tell me, then emphasize that she wants to know which one I like. So if I'm too tired to argue, I'll tell her, but most of the time, I just tell her, It doesn't matter which one I like, it's her wedding. If she goes with all the cakes and flowers I like, then she's having my wedding. She even asked me what her color theme should be. WHATEVER YOU WANT IT TO BE! She was like, well I live navy, but we can do purple, because you like that. Dani. This is your wedding. My wedding, should I ever have one, will be purple themed, believe that, but this is yours. If you want navy, we'll have navy. If you like this cake, get it. It doesn't matter if I hate it, we're not even eating this one. If you want roses, have roses. I hate roses, I like lillies, that's why at my wedding, we'll have lillies, but this is your wedding. You and Cliff have to like it, not me. I'm all about giving her opinions and showing her new ideas, but at the end of the day, I want her to pick what she wants, regardless of what I like.

So... I've realized that somewhere along the line, since dating Cliff, she became a total pushover. She can't say no to anyone. She'll be at work (Verizon Customer Service Rep), and she'll be halfway out the door, ready to go home, when a Sales guy, who's in the middle of a transaction, and is scheduled to leave at the same time, will ask her to stay and finish with the customer... and she'll do it. This guy is not her boss. He has no authority over her, but she'll take off her coat and get behind the counter, and finish. And now she can't make her own decisions about her own wedding. Which concerns me is this:

I feel like she's been a pushover about the whole wedding. To go from I don't even want to be engaged yet to getting married in less than a year... it's blowing my mind. I feel like she's just giving in to whatever anyone, including Cliff, wants.

I already wrote my maid of honor speech - which I'll probably have to edit, I used damn twice, and that's another thing, all of a sudden she's all puritanical. Char, Dani, and I were at applebees once, talking about sex and stuff. No one's around us, and she asks me about this guy I hooked up with a couple years ago, but she dropped her voice all low, like we were 11 years old talking about dirty stuff, and looked around to see if anyone heard. It was like, "What about that guy *looks around* that you hooked up with from high school?"

And what sucks the most is I actually can't wait to get this wedding over with, because of the pressure it will take off me. For the past year and a half, maybe two years, the idea of giving up the friendship has been floating around in my head, but the fact that we've been friends for almost 13 years has kept me in it. However, I think I'll be of the hook after the wedding, because I've been getting the feeling that she's one of those people who thinks your spouse is the only person you're allowed to hang out with, all the time. Even if you're going out with your friends, your hubby has to come too.

Why do I think this? Because:

When Charlene got married, we were thinking of taking a road trip somewhere. Dani said, yeah, it'll be the last one we'll be able to take together. Char was like, uh, no.

Whenever Char wants to go out, just us girls, Dani's all shocked that Fred's not coming too. Um, what part of 'just us girls' isn't she getting?

When Serena and I meet up at a bar, this also surprises Dani. "Where's Mike?" With his friends at another bar. "Really?" And then on the occasions that it's Serena and Mike and me, Dani's like, "Just the three of you? That's weird."

So, I think from here on out, if Dani goes anywhere, Cliff comes too (it's already pretty much been that way), and it's gonna be that situation where no single women are allowed. It's all couples-only dinner parties from now on.

*Sigh*

So, in conclusion... am I being paranoid about her pushover ways? Should I be happy she wants my input, or am I right in telling her that it's her decision? and... Am I a bad person for looking forward to not hanging out with her after the wedding?

Lists...

noreply@blogger.com (Mεlissα ღ) — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 01:55:00 +0000

So I can at least cross buying another hoodie off my list. This is a new one, not originally part of my plan... here it is.

And then I bought a couple cute onesies for Jay... but I'm not gonna show them here in case Miranda looks. : )

The Bucket List... I have several things to do still
Things you have done during your lifetime.

(X) Gone on a blind date
(X) Skipped school
(X) Watched someone die (Occupational hazard)
(X) Been to Canada
(X) Been to Mexico
(X) Been to Florida
( ) Been to Hawaii
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Been lost
( ) Gone to Washington, DC (Hopefully soon though)
(X) Swam in the ocean
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Played cops and robbers
(X) Recently colored with crayons
(X) Sang Karaoke
(X) Paid for a meal with coins only
( ) Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(X) Made prank phone calls
(X) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans (Best Mardi Gras EVER)
(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose & elsewhere
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) Danced in the rain
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone
(X) Blown bubbles
(X) Gone ice-skating
(X) Gone to the movies
( ) Been deep sea fishing
( ) Driven across the United States alone
( ) Been in a hot air balloon
( ) Been sky diving
( ) Gone snowmobiling
( ) Lived in more than one country
(X) Laid outside at night and admired the stars
(X) Seen a falling star and made a wish
( ) Enjoyed the beauty of Ole Faithful Geyser
(X) Seen the Statue of Liberty
( ) Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle
(X) Been on a cruise
(X) Traveled by train
( ) Traveled by motorcycle
( ) Been horseback riding
( ) Ridden on a San Francisco Trolley
(X) Been to Disneyland or Disney World
( ) Truly believe in the power of prayer
( ) Been to the top of an active volcano and seen hot lava
( ) Been in a rain forest
(X) Seen whales in the ocean
(X) Been to Niagara Falls
(X) Ridden on an elephant
( ) Swam with dolphins (Was mad expensive, or else I would have)

Belated Christmas gifts...

noreply@blogger.com (Mεlissα ღ) — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 06:01:00 +0000

... to myself. I'm starting with this Team Emmett hoodie right here. I've already ordered it. The Emmett Wrestling Team is next. These are two maybes: the Monkey Man one, and then maybe, maybe maybe maybe, this Team Emmett one as well. Maybe.

By now, I think you should be able to figure out I little obsessed. I'm sorry, it has just happened that way. Very rarely do I become fixated on a fictional character, so I think I have 26 years of built up fiction-lust that's rearing it's lusty head.

Oh wait... I did have a brief Trent Lane (Jane's bro on Daria) thing. Even then I was into rock stars.

25 things.... sigh

noreply@blogger.com (Mεlissα ღ) — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 17:55:00 +0000

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

Oh alright, I'll do it...
1. I have the most common middle name on the planet

2. I'm the grammar and spelling gestapo. I should be looking for an editing job.

3. I'm right handed but I play most sports lefty

4. I hate cheese

5. I love macaroni & cheese. (go figure)

6. I'm a commitment phobe

7. I'm addicted to Popmundo

8. ... and the Sims. (DAMN YOU APARTMENT LIFE!!!! DAAAAMMMN YOU)

9. I swear fo' Jesus that I am actually mad that I can't run the Sims. I was on my 5th generation! Do you know how much WORK I put into that game?

10. I hate gold. Silver and platinum all the way.

11. I finally gave in and ganked this note when I saw I was tagged in like 53 of them.

12. Except for copying the code from month to month and just changing a few things, I write the code for my website from scratch.

13. I can't think of things to say so I'm basically looking at Rae's answers and applying them to my life..

14. I have no idea how tall 159 centimeters is.

15. I do however know that I am 5'5", or 5'6", depending on who measures me.

16. I already had a nephew and two nieces before Ash came along, and even though I didn't get the chance to see them grow up, they still exist, so I'm getting tired of people asking me "how does it feel to be an aunt."

17. I'm hoping Ash will take the pressure off me to hurry up and get married and have kids

18. Furthermore, I'm getting tired of being told to hurry up anyway. If it was as easy as just walking down the street, bumping into someone and going, oh, hey, let's get married, I STILL wouldn't have done it. There's no freakin time limit to getting married anyway. Get out of my freaking business.

19. I'm STILL pissed off about what that woman said to me yesterday.

20. I never wear shorts. I don't care how hot it is, I'll stick to capris. Maybe bermudas if you're lucky, and the occasional skirt

21. Dani & I have this curse that follows us: Every small local diner/establishment we discover shuts down within months of us finding it. 5 diners and a gelato place now.

22. I've been working in the same place since I was a junior in high school

23. There are 64 more days left that I can say that.

24. I use the 'reserve' function at Borders Online even when I'm just looking for one book, so that I can just walk in, go right to the checkout counter, and head right out, because if I go in and look for something, I'll spend several hundred dollars more than I actually have.

25. I just laughed until I choked because Rae had the word 'spunky' in her #25.

Rude

noreply@blogger.com (Mεlissα ღ) — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 20:58:00 +0000

Tell me this isn't the rudest shit you've ever heard:

I have to pick something up from the pharmacy. It wasn't ready before work, so I head out on lunch break. Substitute boss tells me it better just take half an hour. I say I hope so, I have to go down Transit, we all know Transit traffic sucks from 2pm-6pm. So she says, well maybe it's something that can wait till after work. WHAT pharmacy is open after 8? I said no, I needed it three hours ago, and it closes at 6, so no, it can't wait. WTF? What business is it of hers anyway?